Things I’ve Heard Said Since the Dominican Fecal Salami Drama

Haitians are used to getting dumped on.  But lately there’s been drama in the country because of the news of salami coming from the Dominican Republic being contaminated with fecal matter.  I heard on the radio that 97% of all salami products from the DR were found to have a higher concentration of fecal matter than allowed, which is funny that there’s even an amount allowed.  I would suggest an actual news article for you to read on the issue but I can’t find any in English (go figure).  Here’s one in French if anyone wants to google translate: here.    But as with anything negative that gets thrown Haitians’ way, they deal with it with their usual sense of humor.  So, this is a list of some things that I’ve heard said the last few days since the news broke, in the street, on the radio, at the soccer field, from my own cooks.  A little different from the usual commentary that I present in this blog, but still I think that it shows a general theme of how Haitians believe themselves to be perceived by the rest of the world.  I admit that most of these comments are way over the top and exaggerated, that’s Haiti for ya.  That’s why I also encourage you to read the actual news reports on the issue.  Also, you’ll have to excuse the language used because when talking about feces, there’s really only one good way to translate the Creole word, “Kaka”.  There aren’t many euphemisms, any gentler, nicer ways to say things it Creole.

These are meant solely for a little laugh.  I hope readers find them as entertaining as the Haitians do.  It’s funny because it’s salami.  Anyone looking for advice for a mission trip probably doesn’t need to waste their time reading this.  Anyone that wants to read a good Dominican poop joke or two, read on.

“Domican poop is tasty!  If Haitian poop tasted this good we’d make tons of money off of it!”

“Oh just give me the salami.  I can make even shit taste good.  I’ll fry it enough it won’t kill ya.”

“Isn’t there some sort of law allowing us to arrest the entire country of Dominican Republic for something like this?  I think I’ll write Martelly to see.”

“First there were hurricanes, then the earthquake, then cholera.  Now there’s shit in our salami.  They’ll try anything to kill us off!”

“You know they just kept all the good stuff for themselves and shoved all the shit that they were supposed to dispose of into whatever they were sending to Haiti.  We always get the garbage that should have been thrown away.”

“See, the Asian UN soldiers weren’t the only ones trying to kill us with feces!”

“Are you sure that salami didn’t come from the US instead and the CIA just told them to tell everyone that it was from the Dominican?”

“Should’ve known those Dominicans would be too lazy to clean out an intestine before selling it to us Haitians.”

“You’re telling me that I’ve been eating this stuff for years and they’ve just now found out that it’s contaminated?  If I’d have known I would have started selling my own turds in the street a long time ago!”

“That guy’s gotten uglier since the last time I saw him.  He must be eating more salami.”

And, just for the record, they are considering lifting the recall because the validity of the reports has been questioned.  For more on that, here’s an actual English here.  But, for the time being, it’s resulted in some entertaining reactions from the Haitians that prove that they’re not going to take kaka from anybody!

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